my babies room

I usually need a list to organize my lists. If it's written down, I am most likely not to lose sleep over something. I even keep paper and pen close by my bedside to start lists in the middle of the night. But just because I have lists doesn't mean I do well at getting the things on my list done.

I took a two credit class at the beginning of June. The paperwork is due August 15 and I said I was going to have it all wrapped up within two weeks from the last class session. (Sigh.) Then I pushed it to the end of July when I realized there was no more of June left. (Sigh.) I finally finished everything on Sunday afternoon instead of taking my usual nap--did I tell you my body thinks it pregnant too?. . .that's a whole new blog entry! I felt pretty good to finally be done. I can't say I was proud of myself for working nearly to the deadline. I find myself working well under time contraints.

I knew that once I finished, I could give myself permission to work on things that are more important in my life, making room for baby. Henry moved to into a big boy bedroom in the room beside the nursery quite a few months ago. As the months have passed, I have found that I kept shoving things into that room that best belonged somewhere else. I woke up this morning feeling that I was ready to tackle the room. I started by putting the clothes that were too small for Henry into storage bins according to size. I got rid of bags and purses that were sitting on the floor next to my Goodwill pile. Things seemed to be moving along quite well for 9am, I was keeping good time even with a big helper. Henry started moving things back into the room that he thought "Baby Butter" (he called the baby that once, we laughed, it stuck) would like.

After our playdate with the neighbor, I found myself back in the room while Henry was napping. I didn't take a nap today, I was on a mission. (See--body thinks it's pregnant--nesting.) Now I needed to tackle the closet. There wasn't too much in the closet. The stuff in there was all cluttered together because when Henry was done with something, I threw it in the closet. Onesies of various sizes, the crib bumper, mobile, birthday cards, space heaters and . . .diapers. When I saw the small size newborn diapers, my emotions got the best of me. I had three small packages of newborn diapers that we received for Christmas, a few months before Hudson was due, tucked away in the back of the closet. One of the packages was opened because we took one small diaper out for him to wear when they dressed him at the funeral home. I really became angry, just momentarily, because I wasn't sure whose room this really was anymore. I felt slightly cheated because I never got to prepare anything for him. The only thing that was ever "his" were these diapers. I set the diapers aside and when I got back to them later, I had to be tough. I had to open the small rip a bit more and put the diapers in the basket where they now belong. That basket will later sit on our steps and be used for Baby Butter.

So the last thing I have to do tonight is fold the tiny onesies, socks and new wash cloths that are in the dryer. I look forward to folding them and placing them in the drawer tonight before I go to bed. Even though I know the room and the things in it used to belong to Henry and will soon become Baby Butter's, part of Hudson will always remain.