Purpose and Reason

Have you ever experienced a time when people keep telling you the same thing over and over? Finally, your ears and brain make a connection and something really great results from it? I started this blog last week (desired to create one for months now thanks to a good friend), and I couldn't make an entry until I had the perfect title. After months of being told (twice today) by strangers, family and friends that my sister-in-law is giving us a wonderful gift, I couldn't help but realize that my blog could be titled nothing else but "Greatest Gift" where I am able to focus on my children, family and life's greatest gifts while sharing with the strangers, family and friends that remind me that I am so very lucky.

After a long conversation with the hygenist and receptionist in the dental office this evening, I left in tears realizing that I am only days away from experiencing the birth of my third child. This birth, however, will be nothing like the birth of my first two sons. Henry was born more perfect that I could have ever imagined. Just moments after his birth in the operating room, I knew I had met the love of my life as the nurse put his warm cheek against mine to soothe his crying. He was a planned c-section after learning that he was feet down and head up, which explains a lot about the person he is--always trying to defy the way things are suppose to be. Honestly, he has always been a good little boy, providing us with love, laughter and good "medicine". I like to refer to Henry as good medicine because he provided my husband, Scott and I with something that we needed at a very sad point in our lives.

When Henry was eight months old, Scott and I learned that we were expecing our second child. Although we were trilled, we never really lived the pregnancy. We were so busy taking care of Henry that the thought of having a second child was at some points far from our minds. I didn't buy anything for my baby. I didn't keep up with my journaling very well. I didn't even plan much around the house for baby. I look at it all now as God's way of protecting me from what I was about to experience--and I am greatful. We lived each day for what it was and would worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

And then tomorrow came. I awoke feeling what I thought was labor. Throughout Hudson's pregnancy, I always felt sensitivity on my incision line from Henry's c-section. After a long warm bath, the pain didn't go away and I began to bleed. After a mad rush to the hospital, the doctors and nurses realized that my sweet Hudson's heartbeat was lowering by the second and an emergency c-section was performed. During the surgery, they discovered that my uterus had ruptured and Hudson had been without oxygen for an unknown period of time. They were able to revive him, and he sustained life for sixteen days until we removed him from life support.

It was such a gift that we were able to be with him for the 16 days that he did live. In those 16 days I got to hold him, smell him, touch his warm body, sing to him and read him books. My family got to meet him and his story was share with many. Most importantly, he helped me become the person I am today. He's enriched my faith and helped me prioritize what's fundamentally important.

Today, I cherish more than ever my sister-in-law, Sherry whom is about to give birth to our third child. Sherry so graciously asked if she could be our gestational carrier when we shared that I wouldn't carry another child. She's modest about her gift and doesn't like one bit of attention drawn to her. (She'll kill me when she finds out I'm writing about her today and days to come.) When I look at her, I feel greatful for what she's doing for me and my family. I feel helpless that I can't do more for her. I am excited to experience the end of this pregnancy with her. She is my greatest gift.

As I share my story with people, they often tell me that they have only seen things like this on tv, and that they've never met anyone who has actually experience it first-hand. For a long time, I was scared to share my story. Acknowledging that I created another life, meant that I had another life to lose. It was about a month ago that I let my fear go and turned it over to God. So slowly I am collecting baby things, buying baby outfits here and there, and making baby visible in my house.